I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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