And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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