This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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