Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
