I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I fill condoms, not promises.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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