This dress was meant to end up on your floor
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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