Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
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