She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
love makes seman taste better
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
