He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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