what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
