good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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