oh god the rape fog is back!
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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