We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
