If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
