Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
