My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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