Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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