i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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