I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
