we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
