What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize