There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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