I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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