I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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