are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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