I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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