I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize