just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
