I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
