just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
