Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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