Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
