i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
