Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize