did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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