Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
We're too hungover to prance.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
