I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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