nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
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