You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
