There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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