Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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