I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize
