Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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