well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
