Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
