He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
My dick has a subreddit
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Randomize
