My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
