if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
