God, you're like boner-b-gone
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
