Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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