Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
