my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
