i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
