I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
