im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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